Today, I was having a morning breakdown again. I woke up early in the morning suddenly, and anxiety and negative thoughts just rushed into my mind again. And as I laid there, I took all the things that were said to me in my mind: “I’m feeling anxious again..” “I feel so helpless..” “I am so pathetic..”
I started thinking about the future, and I started fearing the empty days of nothingness where I don’t have classes, I don’t have plans, and how I’d be left alone with my thoughts. The anxiety got bigger. I started breaking down even more. I felt so helpless.
I couldn’t do it on my own. I played worship songs, I listened to an excerpt of Ps Prince’s sermon. It was still haunting me. I called Keith for help.
I am very grateful for Keith, someone who has just been with me and supporting me. I thank God for sending such a wonderful and patient boyfriend in my life. He made a wonderful prayer for me, and was talking and supporting me throughout the phone conversation. And then he said, “Why don’t you write a list of things you are grateful for in your life? Many times we are happy and grateful towards God for the things He has provided for us in our lives, but once the negative happens, we tend to forget all of that and focus on the negative.”
And that hit me. Every time I start a prayer, I would say, “Dear daddy God, thank You for all that You have done in my life.” I say that but sometimes it just doesn’t stick with me. God has done so much in the other aspects of my life. And I believe that He is presently working in my life in this aspect. So much as this current problem I’m facing right now, will eventually be in the past tense.
So I will be breaking down my list into 2 different ones: what I’m grateful for in my life, and things I’m proclaiming will happen to me (whether it’s currently working in my life, or will eventually be done).
Things I’m Grateful For in My Life (in no order except #1)
- Knowing God and Jesus’ works for us at the cross – for I do not need to rely on my own self efforts, but on His love for us that He wants the best for us
- My loving family, especially my mother who encourages me, loves me, and prays for me whenever I’m feeling down
- My friends, who have asked me out and served as a good distraction, a good communicator, and for being so understanding
- Keith, my wonderful and ever-loving boyfriend, for always being so patient, understanding, and sticking with me through high and lows
- My kingdom friends (especially from care group), for always pointing me back to the Lord, encouraging me through verses and revelations, and praying for me
- For living in a comfortable and good home, good wifi, whatever I need is provided
- My grandmother, for being so loving and even keeping me in her prayers
- To be able to get into university with grandma’s financial help
- Having enough financial provisions for my own self
- For being able to go on holidays where I can
- Safety in my home country
- I will walk through this valley of darkness (anxiety, depression, loneliness) and see God’s glory shining the brightest
- Have a greater revelation of God and His love for me
- Be able to minister to others who are in the same season as me
- To have a well of living water in me, where I shall not thirst no more, where I shall not search for things to fill the void in my heart, as I know that God’s living water shall overflow in me
- Financial assurance on my future holiday trips
- Stress-free and peaceful school work
- Peace in my heart
- Able to immediately look towards the Lord and lay all my cares upon Him when I’m facing negative situations or circumstances
- A blissful and happy relationship with my family, friends, and Keith
- Safety and protection over me and my loved ones